Category Archives: Uncategorized
1. I am a strong woman and a good girl (generally).
2. I am super picky about purses and shoes, but still adore them.
3. I have more Earl Grey tea in my house than any other tea, and it isn’t even my favorite kind.
4. I found out today that one of the sweetest co-workers I ever had died of cancer. He was only in his 30s (by my calculations).
5. I strongly prefer the smell of well-mixed essential oils over perfume/cologne.
6. I love my Dr. Bonner’s soap.
7. My ears are naturally symmetrical.
8. I am a Trekkie and a Whovian and I am not ashamed.
9. I love cheese more than any lactose intolerant person ought to.
10. It takes me a long time to fall in love with someone and even longer for it to fade into nostalgic love once the connection is gone.
11. I am a library junkie.
12. I have only had a handful of crushes in my life, none of which turned into relationships.
13. One of the best indicators that I love a book is that I will put it in a friend’s hands and tell them that they must read it.
14. I love the ocean, even if I am perpetually cold when I am there.
15. I like wearing hats.
16. I check my email on my phone way more often than I do on my computer.
17. One of my favorite possessions is my wall clock that I bought at Goodwill for $4.
18. I am happy with the way my body looks, but would still like to lose weight.
19. I am very good at suppressing my inclination towards hypochondria.
20. I am mildly dyslexic.
21. I adore my scars.
22. I recently discovered that I like sweet potatoes and many different kinds of nuts after a lifetime of avoiding them because I thought I didn’t like them.
23. My ideal house would have one room just for all my books and a comfy chair to read them in.
24. I am not sure how well I would live without my phone.
25. Despite having a very well-adjusted childhood, I draw more strength from my family of choice than my family of birth.
Note: The information contained in this post is no longer accurate. It was originally written more than a year ago when my situation was different. I’m reposting it as I thought the concept was worth keeping in mind.
Love As A House
All through our lives we build foundations. The second we meet someone (in a non-professional capacity), from that first impression we start drawing up blueprints for a relationship. A lot of times, they stay blueprints. When we spend a fair amount of time around that particular person we build foundations for a future relationship with them. With the foundation down, that relationship between those two people can become anything easily.
Foundations can take days, weeks, months, or years to build, depending on the people and the circumstances.
The house that’s built on that foundation is love. It can contain different rooms, each a different kind of love. Romantic love may be the kitchen, dating love the hallway, sexual love the bedroom, friendly love the den, familial love the living room, companionate love the home office, intellectual love the studio, so on and so forth.
A new house may only have one room–friendly love or sexual love, for example. But then as the relationship grows between the people they may add on different rooms–maybe a kitchen or a studio. Some houses, however, will be complete with just one room. Others may have a dozen or more. Sometimes there will be some remodeling done and certain rooms will be added onto others–but that takes time.
The size of each room can change as the relationship develops. Maybe in the beginning sexual love is the most important thing in the relationship, so that one room is the whole house. Then friendly love comes along, starting off as a little closet sized room but becomes just the same size as the sexual love room. The other way around can happen as well–a room can diminish in size to the point where it might just be better to tear down the wall between it and another room. Sometimes the house will become abandoned if there is no love left.
I have been with T for over two years now. I started building my foundations with him the day I met him in 2010. After the basic foundations were laid, which took a couple weeks, the first room added was the bedroom (sexual love). Then the kitchen (romantic love) followed shortly after. It took awhile to start, but now we are building a home office (companionate love). We have a den (friendly love), but it is not as large as the bedroom or kitchen, and that’s okay.
With C, the foundations took more like a month to build, and the first room added was friendly love. Sexual love and romantic love were built about simultaneously. With the issues we were having, sexual love and romantic love shrunk so much that all I have left now is friendly love and that’s not a terribly huge room right now.
Now with CE, the foundations were more than two years in the making before the thought of adding a room was brought up. However, since it was brought up the house has been expanding at quite a rate. First we built the hallway (dating love). Then after about a month we built the bedroom, then about two months later, we’re building the kitchen. KE is concerned mostly about how fast our kitchen is expanding.
For a non-romantic, non-sexual example: I met ME at a party at that poly house about a year ago and started laying foundations as we started to see each other more. We have built a fair sized den (friendly love) over that time period, as well as a very slightly smaller studio (intellectual love). The latest development in that house is that we are building and expanding on a living room (familial love). Some day, if all the pieces come together right, I think we very well could have a home office, but that will take time.
For an example outside of myself, I’d like to use KE and CE’s relationship. Now, I do have to put a caveat on this: I do not know for sure that this is how it happened, but this is my best guess from what I do know. Foundations were built, then the first room added on was sexual love. That had some time to grow before it was joined by dating love, then after months, romantic love. Due to certain work-related circumstances with CS, their home office (companionate love) became extensive. Familial love is growing still, I think. I think their house is a rather pretty house.
Like pretty much every child of my generation, I have a Facebook. I joined before it was open to the general public, when one still had to have a college email address to join. I’ve watched it grow from a common college social networking site (in late 2006) to the behemoth phenomenon it is now. Let me tell you, I liked it better back then, despite the fun games that I can now play on it.
I grew up with the Internet. I watched it expand. I was in the know for Internet 2.0. I hear all the news about kids who gave out all their private info on their Myspace or Facebook and get in some kind of trouble because of it and I, like pretty much anyone born in the late 1980s and very early 1990s, thinks that they are idiotic buffoons. We know better. Not to say that we’re perfect–gosh knows, as a generation we’ve done some stupid things. But we also are the ones who have utilized social networking sites to grow social movements–creating groups, event pages and fan pages for our causes and spreading the word to all of our friends to do the same.
My Facebook is PG at most. There are no naked pictures, scandalous statements, or profanity. I have friended my sister, both of my cousins, my mother, my SO’s mother, my uncle, and my grandmother. My politics may differ from theirs, but that’s part of life, and they already knew about that. I know better than to post pictures of any illegal activity whatsoever. My generation is learning that future colleges and employers can and often will look you up on Facebook, so we should keep our pages clean. I do not link to this blog or any other site I am on, mostly because I feel more free to speak my mind on them and I’d rather my family, potential future school, or potential future employer didn’t know about the things in my life that aren’t so PG-rated.
My world seems to be surrounding me with with weddings.
The first wedding I will be going to as a friend and not a family member is a very non-traditional one, since there will be two brides, both of whom are already married (to men), and no marriage afterwards–just a celebration of their love, which is a very sweet thing I think.
Then my favorite site has to do a feature on the idea of fathers walking their daughters down the aisle, since that is what the Princess of Sweden will be doing at her wedding. That left me wondering a little about what my thoughts on the issue are.
What I know for sure:
- I would ideally like to have both of my parents walk me down the aisle were I to have a wedding. Or to walk down the aisle or whatever with my partner beside me.
- I would not want it in a church nor performed by a religious official (with the possible exception of a UU minister).
- I am ambiguous about the idea of weddings and marriages as a whole. I don’t like how one piece of paper that is often only granted to a man and woman can determine so much, like tax status and whether someone has to testify against you in court. Why not allow consenting adults to form whatever partnership(s) they think will most benefit them with whomever they like and have that be legally binding?
- My parents said that as long as they had met my partner they would be okay with us eloping.
- I’m not wearing white. Not a big fan of the color to start out with and I’d rather wear something I can wear again. My general thoughts have been a midnight blue overbust corset underneath a black pantsuit with heels so I can look taller.
- Open bar at the reception or party or whatever afterwards.
What I don’t know:
- What I would say if just my father wanted to walk me down the aisle.
- What I would do if my partner insisted upon having a church wedding (though I would hope that at that point they would know me better than to think I’d be okay with that.)
- Whether I would want flowers–it just seems like a rather unnecessary expense.
- Whether I really want to get married in the first place because of my above-mentioned ambiguity about the institution as a whole.
I know I’ve done this before, but it’s always good to do updates.
My gender expression is
|activist, ally, assertive, BDSM, bi-romantic, bidyke, big sister, biogirl, bisexual, bitch, bondage, bottom, cat lover, cisgender, curious, daughter, different, dork, female, female-bodied, feminist, fluid, friend, geek, gender expressive, gentlewoman, girl, intelligent, introvert, kinky, LGBTQA, lady, liberal, lover, Miss, Ms., ma’am, miss, not sure of others, odd, open, passionate, poly-oriented, polyamorous, polyflexible, polysexual, pro-choice, pro-gay, pro-sex feminist, progressive, queer, queer-friendly, questioning, quirky, recreational gender blender, sex positive, sister, student, submissive, switch, top, trans-friendly, treehugger, woman, XX|
I am of the belief that everyone, no matter what their level of self-esteem or mental health, should do these every once in a while. That said, mine are affirming that these are okay in moderation–nothing to extremes.
- I can and will feel a wide range of emotions, positive, negative, and neutral–from sadness, to anger, to boredom, to happiness–and that’s okay.
- I can and will express a wide range of emotions–and, as long as I recognize them for what they are, that’s okay.
- There will be some days in which I will dislike or hate all of humankind for the actions of a few–and as long as this isn’t every day, that’s okay.
- I can be mean, spiteful, and jealous–and that’s okay.
- I can be sweet, kind, and loving–and as long as I don’t let people walk over me because of that, that’s okay.
- I will sometimes and in some circumstances, express feelings and opinions that aren’t in line with current feminist thinking (i.e. aren’t feminist), even though that’s how I identify–and that’s okay.
- I will sometimes be a hypocrite–and as long as I recognize that within myself, that’s okay.
- I will sometimes pass judgment on people because of their actions, whether I know the person or not–and, as long as I don’t treat them as lesser because of these actions, that’s okay.
- Sometimes I want to be left alone by people and animals alike–and that’s okay.
- Sometimes I crave the attention of people–and that’s okay.
- There will be some days in which I will just want to feel loved–and that’s okay.
- Sometimes I will lack patience for certain people in my life for things that they cannot really control–and as long as I don’t act like an ass to them because of this, that’s okay.
- There will be some days I will like the cat(s) better than humans–and that’s okay.
- I can and will use my privilege in my favor sometimes. This includes being straight-appearing when I am out in public, especially with my partner, identifying as queer in certain spaces where I know identifying as bi will be seen in a less than positive light, being female, being young, and being raised and living middle-class as well as being intelligent–and, as long as I recognize these privileges within myself, and know that I need to combat them and others in our society–that’s okay.
- I have sex for many reasons: because I’m horny, because I’m feeling especially attractive that day, because I’m feeling especially attracted to my partner, because I’m bored, because I’m seeking validation of myself as a sexually attractive human being, because I want to make sure my birth control is worth the money I pay for it, because I just want to–and that’s okay.
- I read erotica and watch pornography–and, as long as I recognize what impact the pornography industry has on the world and actively seek out porn that is made by feminist people/organizations, or, lacking that, amateur porn that appears to have participants that have given full and enthusiastic consent to both the sex and the filming of it–that’s okay.
- There are some days in which I feel like I need external validation for my beliefs and opinions–and that’s okay.
- Some meals I will eat on my bed–and, as long as I’m careful about spillage, that’s okay.
- Some times I will do things the easy way rather than the hard way, even though it might be more fulfilling–and that’s okay.
- I am not a particularly organized person–and that’s okay.
- Some days I feel like I should wear make-up to feel beautiful–and that’s okay.
- Most days, however, I don’t wear make-up because I know I look just fine without it–and that’s okay.
- Some days I feel particularly femme, so I wear make-up, skirts, heels, and shirts that show off my cleavage. Some days I feel butch, so I just wear jeans and a moderately baggy t-shirt and only wash my face. Some days I will feel right in the middle and I’ll do some combination of the above. No matter how I express myself–that’s okay.
- Sometimes I feel mad or sad at someone or something for no apparent reason–and that’s okay.
- Sometimes I am more attracted to women than men. Sometimes I feel more attracted to men than women. These are both okay.
- Some days I will be lazy, whether because of mood or sickness–and that’s okay.
- Sometimes I will not be the best poly person I can be–jealous, pushing to be somewhere where a partner or metamour may not be comfortable being, complaining about circumstances that are beyond the control of my partner, not really feeling communicative–and, as long as I can recognize these behaviors in myself, that’s okay.
- Sometimes I will be feeling very apolitical and uninspired by our political system–and that’s okay.
- There will be days where I feel like the world is conspiring against me–and that’s okay.
Quite an extensive list there, huh? I’m sure there’s more, I’m just ready to be finished with this.
Otherwise known as: on the four-letter (swear) word.
These are the words that our society deems verbotten–we cover the ears of children when they are uttered in a movie and do not dare to say them around our grandmothers for fear of a stern look. There are at least seven that cannot be uttered on the air or the FCC has a shit fit.
What they are: shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. With the exception of cocksucker and motherfucker they are all four-letter, one syllable words. To that list I’d like to add two more–bitch and ass(hole).
My theory why most of the basic cuss words are one-syllable words is simple: they are words that can be spit at someone. They don’t require forethought or any other kind of complex thinking. Just something one can say in anger or frustration–emotions that generally do not coexist alongside rational forethought. Insults are scatological and/or sexual in almost every language
As for the longer words, well, the only reason I can think of for their existence is that they are combinations of shorter words–cock and suck, mother and fuck and are therefore easier than non-combined words (can’t think of the linguistic term right now) to say. Anybody have an alternative suggestion?
Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of kids. They’re necessary for the continuation of the human species. But at this point in time, they’re just not for me. I have gone back and forth over the last five or so years about whether I’ll ever have them–at this point in time, the answer is maybe, which will be fairly well reflected in my list. Some of the reasons I don’t see changing with time–others are simply a matter of the point I’m at in my life at this very moment. Reasons are only in the order I think of them, and not in order of importance.
- I’m not financially stable enough. I have an income at this point in time which is not technically enough to support me completely, much less anyone else. And that’s going to change for the worse in the next week, as I will be going back to school and my state of joblessness. My spending habits are not stable enough to be able to predict where I will be financially in five years.
- I don’t have a stable enough support system. I believe that it takes a village to raise a child well (not just two parents) and I simply do not have a network available to do that at this point in time. This is pretty much a necessity for me to even think about having kids.
- I’m a little vain. I like the way my body looks/is now–high firm breasts, intact piercings, and overweight but not terribly so. Pregnancy would change those. Looking at my female family members I know these would change; my mother gained most of the weight she has now after my sister’s birth–she lost most of what she gained when she was pregnant with me. I know very many women say this: I love my mother, but I do not want to look like her (well, at least any more than pure genetics dictated at my conception). Now, this is just if I were to be a biological mother; none of this would really matter with adoption, if my partner was to be the biological mother, or with step-children.
- Tied into number three is the fact that I do not have good enough exercise habits to be able to maintain my figure (so cliched, I hate that phrase) through a pregnancy. Will this change? I hope so. But at this point that is simply the case.
- I’m not patient enough to be a good mother. I’m getting better at this, I’ve noticed. Screaming children don’t bother me as much as they used to and I’m learning to be more patient with myself and my abilities.
- I have a very distinct opinion of people having more children than the replacement rate–two kids per every two people. With every additional child they are decreasing available resources–if they work to counteract that by using less resources overall or contribute to efforts to fairly distribute resources around the globe then it is forgivable. Overpopulation is a big enough problem already and I see no need to contribute to it, really.
- However, in spite of all of this, I find myself talking and thinking as if I will have children–how I would educate them, what I would do in certain circumstances, where I would like for them to grow up (more of an environment thing, rather than a specific geographic location), and how I would raise them differently than I’ve been raised. I don’t know if this is just because I’m getting older or whether I am simply being exposed to people who want/have children, but it is not something I am resisting.
Ideally I would like to adopt–I see no reason to add my genes to the world gene pool and just increase overpopulation and decrease available resources. I do not know whether I’d be okay with just having an only child–if I had one, I would probably have another–not for the reason that the first will have someone to play with growing up but because it teaches kids to share and important socialization skills. I would like to someday have the opportunity to be an influence on kids’ lives–I think I have some very valuable experiences and skills to share.
But these are just my theories on child-raising as a childless person.
This is a bit of a pet peeve of mine, mostly that it is so common in the vernacular.
Polyamory: many loves
Monogamy: one partner*
Why are these always used as opposites? They may be almost mutually exclusive (not going to go into when they aren’t because that’s just semantics) but they are not logically linguistic opposites. If one looks at roots (both Greek and Roman in the case of polyamory) the opposites are as follows:
Opposite of many loves, is one love–monoamory
Opposite of one partner is many partners*–polygamy
I propose the increased usage of the word monoamory–despite its plethora of vowels, it is the technically correct word to use opposite polyamory.
*: I simplified the terms incredibly. The ending -gamy usually refers to marriages, but is often used to also refer to non-married relationships as well.