Blog Archives

Identifying


To put this out there before I get started with any of the rest of this post: I am all about people not wanting to put themselves in boxes or limit themselves with words. Trust me, I think the English language (well, any languages) are too limiting to encompass the whole of humanity and that we lack words for feelings and ways of thinking that I wish we had. So, given this disclaimer, I’m going to talk about the identifying word boxes I place myself in.

This is not about the boxes that society places me in because that’s how they see me. Those are easy to say, though challenging to deal with in real life. They call me white, female, average height, overweight, brunette, student, with a loud voice and fairly large breasts. Yes, these are true, and yes they have affected the shape of my identity. However, they are not how I identify.

I call myself a bi dyke, a feminist, a transgender ally, a woman of thought, a queer person, a poly lady, and a switch who loves to bottom and takes pleasure in topping the right person, in no particular order.

I ride the middle of the Kinsey scale, sometimes on a daily basis–if you want to put numbers on it (and there are sometimes I love numbers, but other times they are harsher and more judgmental than words) I range from a 2.5 to a 3.5.

I believe that chaos is another form of organization and the chaos in my spaces reflects how my mind works–some things have to be in a certain order and others require no order.

I am working on being an ethical omnivore–buying any meat I can from places that treat their animals right in life and death–I am working my way out of being a near vegetarian because I realized I am not that.

I love the word kinky. To me it is like “queer”: so many definitions, so many ways to work it.

I call myself a liberal, but I find myself increasingly disenchanted with the political parties in this country–too conformist, too middle of the road to be good for people. If I had to pick a party that represents the majority of my interests, I would be a Lib Dem.

That’s me, in a very small nutshell.

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Queerness


Am I any less queer because I do like some things that are considered “normal”?  That sometimes I like things that are pretty vanilla?  That the only sex I’ve been having for the last nine to ten months is heterosexual?

I don’t think so.

I love the fact that queer encompasses everything about me, from the way I like my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (on sourdough bread, creamy peanut butter and homemade raspberry jam), to the people I think are attractive, to the way I like my sex (with occasional hints of dominance/submission).  The term bisexual, which is what I normally call myself, encompasses only the people I like, see as attractive, would like to have sex with.  Queer is an identity I’m just getting used to.  It doesn’t force me into a tiny box labeled “likes men and women”.  Yes, I do like men and women, and see both as attractive in their own ways, but what about the people who don’t consider themselves either or simply don’t believe they fit into society’s narrow definitions of gender and sexuality.  Just because I have not yet found one that I like/want to have sex with does not eliminate the possibility that I might.  I like to keep my options open.  Yes, I still do describe myself as bisexual, because that is my sexual orientation, I will not disagree with that, but it does not describe my whole self, like the sex: female does not fully describe me.  Yes I am female, in body and mind, but I am not that feminine, nor have I ever been, and I am fully comfortable with that.

To me, trying to fit into a prescribed gender role is restricting and it just feels wrong.  I wear a skirt or dress when I want to, not because I have been forced into it.  Make-up, nylons, hair-styling make me feel like I’m in drag.  Sometimes being in drag is a wonderful thing, messing with people’s perceptions of my gender.  I like challenging the assumed norms.  That’s what makes me happy and comfortable.  There are times that I just want to hide myself and I do,  something I learned how to do very well in high school.  That ability to hide means that only the people I like and respect get to see the true me, my true colors as they say.

I am working my way into a role I feel comfortable with.  I would like to be completely open with everyone about who I truly am, but I know that society will not let me be that.  So here at school is the only place I can truly express the full me: my sexuality and my queerness, and the truly great thing is that it doesn’t really matter to that many people.  College is full of variations, that’s what makes it so wonderful.